Ama sine timore.

Love without fear.

I was standing on the edge, holding onto a hand so dearly, believing it was yours that would never let me fall. I stood there, peering down, fearing the drop. Fearing that the moment I let go of you, I’d fall into a nothingness that I could never bring myself out of.

I held onto you for so long. Believing that life without you would be incomplete. Believing that love meant taking all the hurts with a smile on my face. Believing that love meant allowing everything to be okay as long as I had you in the end.

I held on as the ups and downs became simply downs. As the foundation we built together for what we called our love slowly disintegrated. As the woman I had known and you had loved had slowly faded into an empty shell. I was once a woman who spoke my mind and stood my ground firmly for what I believed in. I never took anyone’s abuse, never let anyone limit my potential, never let anyone hurt me to a point where I couldn’t recover.

I can’t blame you entirely for what we went through. We both contributed the same to the downfall we encountered. You told me to leave and I chose instead to take the pain for both of us. You know how stubborn I am, and I fought for us even when you didn’t want me to. I let it stick in my mind that you would change for us, and now that you want to, I realize that in the process, I’ve changed too.

Do you remember the people we once were? You were my best friend. The one person I felt at home with. You were the man I wanted to marry. To raise my children with and grow old with. I don’t know when that changed, but it did. And time finally opened my eyes to see what we had become. We weren’t those two people anymore.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. We all make mistakes. I still see the good in you, and I know you’ll become an even better person than either of us hoped for. I just can’t hold your hand through it anymore. I know love took hard work, but we got to a point where we couldn’t even enjoy what we had worked so hard for.

Letting go is one the hardest things I know I’m going to do, but after teetering over the edge for so long, I can see the drop isn’t as high as I had anticipated. You had pushed me time and time again to be stronger and better than who I was, and your hard work paid off. Unintentionally, but I know now that being on my own won’t be so scary, and that I can finally stand on my own two feet.

Loving without fear meant so much more than loving through good and bad. It meant letting go without fear as well. Choosing to love myself instead of fearing losing you.

You showed me real love, I won’t ever deny that. When we were happy, nobody had anything on us. But sometimes, things crumble. Good things fall apart. But you always told me God had bigger plans for us. Don’t lose sight of that.

You’ll always be in my heart. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m tired of crying over something that we can change. And I think we were overdue for one.

You already know how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me. And I hope you’ll take that with you, and cherish it. Cherish me, and everything we shared. But most importantly, grow.

You changed my life, kid. Thanks.